Friday, July 22, 2016


My already tired heart has continued to become more and more exhausted this year.  2017, I can only hope, has something wonderful and energizing in store so that this heart of mine can be restored to the state that I want - actually, need - it to be.

The end of 2015 is when the cycle of death began. My father, my great-uncle, a cousin, a very good friend from high school, my college orchestra conductor. It all happened so quickly and all within about five and a half months.  The pain was acute, immediate, and overwhelming.  There were words I was able to use to describe my emotions: sorrow, confusion, shock.  Each person deals with loss differently, I realize, but there are so many professional resources, as well as a practically unlimited number of humans, to commiserate with and feel understood by.

There's another kind of less concrete pain...or is it even pain?...going on. It's something that has become a pretty consistent presence in my current life. I suppose I could use the words disappointment, anger, disgust, sadness. However, despite those rather simple words, the complexity and lack of sense attached to this phenomenon is not conveyed easily in words.  What I am referring to is deceit. 

I'm not going to kid myself or anyone who happened to click on this blog entry in saying that I have never told a lie or omitted the truth. I am a human.  However, my way of living does not contain lies overall. In fact, I could probably think of and list the specific scenarios during which I have told a lie.  I would also be able to articulate what I learned from that, how it affected me and anyone else involved, and the feeling of guilt would go hand in hand with each of the scenarios.

There are other humans, though, who live by lying. Pathological lying, constant deceit, shadiness- whatever you want to call it.  We all have flaws and we all make mistakes, but when deceit actually becomes someone's way of moving through life, I see it as more than a flaw. It is a truly damaging presence.  I've been surrounded by lies as of late. Some of it has caused my to feel hurt, and some of it has caused me to question humanity as a whole.

What I'm learning through these experiences and observations is that I am truly fortunate to have very genuinely good, honest people who are close to me.  I do not take them for granted and I do not take that very vital part of their character for granted. 

To those in the world who live honest lives and who are real, thank you. This does not go unnoticed.

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